December
1990:
The month of Christmas is here, other kids have given in their letters to Santa
but I know there isn’t one. I found that out once when I saw my mum wrapping
presents and putting them under the Christmas tree the night before Christmas.
It’s freezing and outside I see the large shards of glittering but ever so
dangerous, beautifully formed icicles silently hang from the roof tops. Ramona
and I always loved knocking them down, but we were forbidden to do so when once
one almost land on our next door neighbor, what a mess that would have been,
death by ice. Ramona, Meadow and my mum are upstairs putting up the tree, their
laughter taunts me and I’m not allowed to join in as part of my punishment for
what Abel and I did and also for me wanting to blood Aunt Geegee. Sitting in my
room, frosty as the snowman Meadow and I carefully formed in the garden I’m
wondering if we are going up to Chorley this year like we do every year to see
Granny and Gran Dad and the rest of the up north family. Why all of the family
lived up north I have no clue and then Ramona and Meadow have their other side
of families down here in London I have no one, just them, just my mum sister
and brother. I’ve come to terms with not having my own cousins and dad around
and I really do love them all but that hole that seems to be filled with the
disintegrating breadcrumbs they’ve tried to fill it with is getting larger and yearning
for a more cement like filling.
Just
doodling another eye in my note pad I took home from school, not note pad my
maths book. Listening to the sounds of the tree’s branches clap with one and
other in the short, strong gusts of wind, hearing the one bird calling out and
no doubt looking for food in all that snow, cars are not so frequent on this
road of mine so when they do pass they’re loud enough to hear from even the
bathroom. Climbing down from my bunk-bed and sitting down next to the window ledge
in my room I pull the net curtain over my head and look out the window, my
snowman looks at me in his wooly scarf and hat that mum said I could put on
him, he seems to know sorry too as he sits there patiently for some ray of sun
to melt his troubles away. Cat walking on the back garden wall, weaving it’s
self through the leafless apple tree’s twisted branches, I need to go toilet so
I get up and walk to the passage. “We miss you a berry mismas.” Meadow begins
to sing ‘We wish you a merry Christmas’ and although my mum has said nothing
immediately, I can hear that she is smiling towards him, Ramona joins in with
him and the a call from upstairs “Rogue come upstairs, come and see the tree.”
Ramona shouts down and stamps back towards the living room based at the front
of the house.
“I’m
going toilet.” I shout back up and hear the T.V volume go up, they’re watching Annie. I do like those
films my mum puts on for us to watch, but kind of when I’m alone, all the
others do is laugh and talk whilst watching it. Passing the cupboard under the
stairs chills runs up my spine, across my shoulders and then back down to my
toes. At least that cupboard has a light and isn’t deep enough to get lost in,
although I have lost many toys to the mouth of it, I should go hunting for them
some time. Maybe today whilst they play together upstairs, the happy with out
Rogue family.
Sitting
on the toilet doing a pee, I never liked standing up at home to pee, I just
liked to be comfortable and unrushed, however if there were people in the house
that weren’t household members I would stand just being cautious someone might
walk in on me. Yeah they’d probably think I was doing a shit but, hearing the
pee stream out and no smell of yesterdays digested lamb roast would give away
that I was just peeing. Just sitting silently, hearing the murmurs through the
walls and ceiling of them talking upstairs. Thinking back;
Ramona
and I are in our old house: Graham road
We’re
scaling the stairs pretending to swim up stream. “Save me, help me, I’m drowning”
I call up to her. She turns round and passes her hand down to me, I grab it and
hold on tightly and pull her down towards me just a little.
“Don’t
pull me down.” She turns to me and grabs one step above her so she doesn’t get
pulled down. I’m only pulling to make the game a bit more realistic, after all
we are in a river and our boat has been destroyed. “Swim Roeroe, swim.” She
hails down at me. I kick my legs and wave my head around as if the waves of the
vicious attempt to drown me.
“I’m
trying Ramona, I’m trying, hold on don’t let me go.” I let go of her hand and
then glide down a few steps further behind her, she stops and pretends to tread
water and wave her arms in and out.
“What
are you two doing?’ Mum walks out of her bedroom and looks at us funny, not in
the way she’s upset with us, but she seems happy that we’re playing nice for
once, playing together at all. She pats Bingo, our Doberman puppy on the head
where he lays guarding her bedroom door and carries on walking passed.
“We’re
pretending to drown in the river, we lost our boat, Ramona has to save me”
kicking my legs and twirling around on the stairs I scream at my mum and she
turns round, nods and smile. The click, the sound, the smell of my mum lighting
her cigarette thrills me, she goes into the living room and begins to watch one
of her boring TV shows, which always seem to only have white people in them
even Eastenders had a minimal cast of people that looked a bit like me and when
they did they didn’t speak like people I know, living in East London, they
spoke that weird and annoying way like all the other characters did.
Looking
back at Ramona and just as a split glimpse I saw a shimmering of something in
the crease of the steps above me, Ramona is almost at the top, every thing has
stopped and is now silent. I look back to where I though I saw the glimmer,
crawling up towards it, it becomes apparent what it is, a biro pen with no lid,
a black biro pen with no lid. Looking up at Ramona she glides down a few steps
down towards me “Rogue the water is too strong, brace yourself I’m flooding
back!” she screams back down at me she turns her head looking at me to judge
where her feet are it seems.
“Careful.”
a deeper voice comes from within me. She begins to climb back up the stairs
slowly and I grab the black brio pen with no lid, spin it in between my fingers
and watch it reflect everything from behind me. Looking closer I gaze into in
to it trapped in my own spell binding trance, I can see my mum’s legs crossed
and her lifting her hand up to her mouth to take another pull of her cigarette
directly behind me, to my right ant the bottom I watch Bingo scratch himself
neat to the stairs in his fluffy brown bed, sharply turning my head to the
garden door, I see Joan the tenant upstairs walk passed with her washing
basket. I look bag at Ramona still moving slowly but slower than what I just
saw. I hold the balck biro pen with no lid now in my fist and swim “It’s too
strong Ramona, I’m going to drown.” In a gurgling voice I say to her. “No Rogue
swim, you can beat it” she yells back down at me. My mum shushes us loudly so
we know to be a little quieter. Ramona’s bum is large in my face as she falls
back and I hope she doesn’t fart in my face. All this screaming and shouting
that we’re going to drown I don’t want a mouthful of this morning’s Weetabix
and toast thanks.
A
thunderous, banshee screams soars and scare the walls of the house, Ramona
jumping up and down on the stairs and twisting her body like a worm that salt
has just been thrown on. Black biro pen with no lid has gone from my hand,
black biro pen with no lid on has vanished. Screaming still and discovering
something from her behind, she yells out to my mum who I can hear already
coming towards us “He’s stabbed me mum, he stabbed me in my bum, Rogue stabbed
me.!” Crying and tears filling up the stairs enough to make our play river real
I look upon her face an see sheer
agony and pain fill her, my pushes me out of the way and luckily I’m only on
the third step now so the fall onto the door behind me doesn’t hurt as much as
it could have. Looking up at the both of them “Hold Still man cha.” My mum
turns Ramona round on her belly, Ramona cocks up her bum in the air, mum hold
on to the black biro pen with no lid. I wail of lightening thrashes towards me
from Ramona’s mouth, Bingo barking and looking up towards my mum and sister.
“It hurts mum, it hurt, don’t take it out.” She looks down at me and the skin
under her eyes has swollen with moisture.
“I
have to.” My mum pulls at the pen and has to steady herself from falling
backwards on the stairs. Red smears the black brio pen with no lid. My swiftly
my mum runs the stairs, pushes me slightly to one side and opens the door
behind me, it’s dark down there. Grabbing me by the shoulder, smelling the musky
smell of damp and dust my mum pushes me in side. One thick step I sit upon and
then down the wooden hollow steps continue to where I have no clue. Watching
Ramona on the stairs still crying my calming down my mum shouts at me as I try
to get out of the entrance of the basement door “Just get in there boy” the
door closes and the light fades away quicker than I could blink and say sorry.
Screaming and scratching away at the door the darkness thickens as my eyes try
to adjust to the lack of light. The small space between the door and the floor
has some light coming through but not enough to sustain any calm in my mind.
The darkness thicken even more so as I see the light between the gap fade away,
some one on the other side of the door has filled it up. “Let me out, I’m sorry
mum, I’m scared” I scream out. Only the answer of feet walking way answer to my
call. The darkness is so thick now if I put my hand out to it will surely grab
and pull me down to it. The smell of damp thickens and as I try to tightly hold
my scrawny legs up to my chest on the one step keep me and the deep darkness
apart my right foot slips and down and I begin to follow down with it. Scared
of what I might find down there or what might find me down there I scream out
to my mum how sorry I am. My tears are enough to really drown me now. Cold,
damp and musky I sit on in the middle of the stairs, I think I’m in the middle
at least. Checking with my foot and holding onto the wall on my right it’s now
obvious the quick fall down the stairs has lead me to the bottom. Putting my
head in my lap I listen out for the hope of my mum unlocking the bolts to the
door, I’m too scared to make my way back up, just in case something drags me
back down, I close my eyes but of course that only make things even more
darker. I hear the cars above me. The basement obviously leads under the road.
I’m cold, shivering, trying to keep warm. I can hear them in the bathroom, I
can’t make anything out, too muffled and I’m too cold to concentrate. Holding
my head up and trying to look into the endless shadow I have been swallowed
into I begin to see light far away in front of me. Red tiny lights coming
towards me. There’s 4 of them then 6 and then only 2. Something falls over to
my left I want to climb back up the stair, but will that something just follow
me up? I hear Ramona and mum come down the stairs “Mum” not a shout not even a
whisper, a almost breathless sigh flutters from my lips and is absorbed into
the darkness. Trying not to move, trying not to make a sound I still her what
ever is down here with me on the left in front of me. The door bell rings,
Ramona runs back up the stairs, I can tell it’s her cause of the light and
space out jumps she does to get up the stirs quicker. Another adults voice is
in the house, I can’t call out now, they’ll know that I’m down here, what would
they do? I’m sure this is normal to do anyway when you’ve done something wrong.
My hearing tuning in well now, not so warm but I’m able to concentrate on the
sounds, the kettle begins to boil, the cups placed on the counter, the stirring
of the tea. Ramona playing her records, the TV getting a little bit louder, my
breathing getting slower and the two red lights are eyes watching me. Don’t
know how long now I’ve been down here but it seems a while, they kettle has
gone on twice so far. My fingers are cold against my face and my chest shivers
with the little warmth it can hold on to, those red eyes won’t leave alone they
seem to per into the soul of me and know that I am afraid. She knew I was
always afraid., she defiantly did. I must have fallen asleep at some point or
lost all consciousness of what was going on around me, because that person had
left the house I never even noticed and I hear foot steps come toward the top
of my head, I look up toward the door. No unbolting of the locks, but whatever
filled the gap and shut out the thin line of light has now been removed. Two
shadows stay fixed at the top in the faint stream of the light. “Are you ready
to come out now.” My mum says. The clank of the bolts excite me and I crawl up,
the door opens and my mums face appears in the light. She looks at me and then
at the door. She notices the marks made from my nails, now filed down from the
scratching and says nothing more.
I’ll
never forget those times my mum put me in the basement. After a few more time
she did, I started to experiment with fire and how to keep the darkness away.
First it was burning toilet rolls in the garden to see how long they would
last, not very long I found. Then just holding matches and having to relight
them. Then I discovered candles.
Flushing
the toilet I walk upstairs to Ramona, Meadow and my mum and think to myself,
how comes they never had to go down there?
“Mum
can I have a mince pie please?” I ask her with a relief that I know there’s
nowhere in this new house she can subject me to thickening darkness and red
eyes.
“What’s
the matter, you okay?” she asks.
“Yeah
I’m fine.” Looking at Meadow, I feel a little bit sick still, knowing he was a
child of a demon, dreadlocked man but every kid deserves a father so let him
have him for now.
“We’re
going to Granny and Gran dad’s soon.” Ramona slurs out with little enthusiasm.
I kind of second her thought cause I know all I’ll get from them this year is
socks, because no doubt mum has told them all about my shenanigans since my
last visit, and Santa doesn’t give bad girls and boys nice things. Oh well,
we’ll just see I guess.
Munching
away at the mince pie my mum only buys for me, I asked her if I could go to
Greysons’s house later on that day. Wow, she actually said yes. I ask if I can
call him and she tell me not to be too long on the phone. Calling him sometimes
was a hassle though, his parents would always sound so upset that their phone
would ring, why bother have one if that was the case.
“I’m
coming over yeah?” I say to him, with a slight smile on my face.
“Okay,
don’t be long though, oh and my friend Chris is coming over too.” Attempting me
to hurry up I hang up the phone, sure to run down the stairs and grab a pound
out of my mum’s pocket so I can get some penny sweets on the way.
“I
hope your not in my pockets you know Rogue?” she shouts out.
“No
mum.” I say as I leave the door. I know she’ll probably find out I was, or had
already counted the coins in her pocket. What has been done has been done. Damn
it’s cold and slippery out here.
© 2010 - 2012. All rights reserved N P Rogue Laudat-Scott 'Mind of Rogue' and 'Memoirs of Marbie'
