October 29th 1993
Back at school, I’m waiting outside the Head teachers office on the blue upholstered chair that I have so become accustomed to. Maybe they should just label it ‘Property of Rogue Laudat’ now that would be something, now would it? I can hear the Head talking in the office, a faint breeze comes through the corridor and I smell the sweaty bodies of a thousand children before come from the hall. Hey, they said that this place was once bombed in the war way before even my grand parents were born. I wonder if I’ll ever see a ghost of some dead teacher walking the halls one day.
“What have you done now” I turn to look to the left to see my mum the standing at the swing doors. Why is she here so early? It’s not like they had time to call her, I mean they are still in there talking.
“Erm… I ran away after I beat up George and some other white boy.” I look down at my feet and hear her give a long winded sigh, that seems to wrap round my body and hold me close to her yet from a distance. It’s no ordinary hug, it’s one of those hugs you give when you want to say ‘Good-bye’. My time is up I guess, oh well. Looking back up at her she walks through the thick heavy wooden door and into the dark dingy red and brown room, “Hello Ms Laudat, I..” the door closes, obviously I’m not meant to hear a word. Hearing them speak through the door I get up off my chair and press my ears to the bottom of the door just where the wood meets the flooring. Nothing, nothing is clear. The screams of laughter and joy come from a near by class room and looking to my left to the hall, I remember.
In the kitchen with mum
“I’m going to be in the snow Queen mum” I’m getting ready for school with the biggest smile on my face.
“Really Roe, ok” Not looking at me as she washes our breakfast dishes.
“It’s a school play and everyone has to come and see it all our family.” I walk round to her side to get more of her attention she carries on as if I was talking to her from the front room.
“Mmm-hmm, ok, talk to me about it tomorrow” When ever she says that it mean, don’t talk to her at all. I go tell Aunty Ceecee next time she’s here.
The day of the play
“Is she here yet with Ramona Miss” trying my hardest not to cry, clenching my teeth down as I speak so hard I’m sure they’re going to crack and collapse soon. Miss Gem, was tall and lanky like me with the best hair in the world, dark ginger and brown.
“Ah yeah she is, no wait, that’s Susan’s mum. Never mind. Maybe she will come just before you all start.” She holds me by the shoulder and rubs my back. I’ve felt that rub before. I don’t like it., in fact I don’t like being touched at all., but she’s ok, she my best teacher.
“Oh, okay, when is that?” I ask thinking my mum has got loads of time to spare before getting here.
“In about two minutes, get to your place, quickly, oh come here let me help you get dressed.” Oh disappointment punches me in the face, I’m not convinced she’s coming now. That Lady at the service social thingy said she should come, she said she was gonna come.
Back at home
“Where were you mum, I didn’t see you in the audience?” Getting in from the seemingly ever-lasting walk in the dark.
“Oh sorry baby, I couldn’t make it in time.” Sitting with Ramona her words seem like lies.
“But this morning you said you was coming and you even….” Frustrated I feel that warming sensation happening again.
“I just couldn’t, just leave it, I will call you for your dinner in a bit.” Knew it all she ever does is lie. She always ahs time for Ramona and Meadow, I get summer camp with all these boys I don’t know and these weird adult who talk to me like I’m old a grey, most of the time I never understood really what they were saying. One of the men looked like Jesus, he had long browny-blonde wavy hair and in the shower his willy was big like my leg. And I remember the fat woman who couldn’t go swimming because she said she wasn’t feeling to well, and the men laughing at her saying she’s ‘On’ adults are odd, I don’t ever wanna grow up.
Looking at the hall my memories fade before me and I hold with all my might the flood of tears that is heaving to break my eyelids. I won’t let them I’m strong like Liono in Thundercats. I’m not gonna cry, I’m not. The door opens and my mum smiles walking out saying her byes. She heads me to my main class and whispers quietly “Say bye to your friends” so I go in a say bye to all of them that are there. Kemo shouts out “Bring your Sonic thing yeah, on Monday.” They all shout out bye to me, while George sits on the same table as Stefarna staring at me as if he can do anything to me. I want to say my to him and sorry, but the rest of them will shame me up and give me Tangoes on Monday if I do, so I don’t.
“Were going home, having dinner and then tomorrow, we’re going to see Mikes and Tanny and then you and Tanny are going to the Airport with the whole family.” Well I knew it was coming, just didn’t know when. Still walking beside her, there’s nothing really left for me to say, I mean she’s made up her mind, I’m going away for a few days, I’m not going to see Meadow and Ramona for a few days and mummy either. Steven my mum’s boyfriend will get me a present when I get back anyway, he’s like my daddy. I love him.