Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Attack Of The Ladybirds

HI Homosapiens.......... it's been a long time coming for me to rant about something that really just latch on to my tits and attempts to draw blood where possible. My home has been invaded with Ladybirds and this little fuckers I mean are every where. They come in all different colours and sizes. 

Even on my lighters the fuckers
I understand and appreciate those of you Homosapiens that think these little critters called Ladybirds,  are natures cutest insects. From the Disney's portrayal of Ladybirds in the film "A Bugs Life", I can see why they might seem appealing (But yet confusing to youngsters who think Ladybirds are all female, only to learn that they can also be male). And to be honest they were once for me, appealing, but now over the last two years of moving homes (A home where not only Ladybirds populate but any other critters and mammals that I do adore) Ladybirds have become a nuisance. Let me tell you why....... 

Bathroom 2
Bathroom 1
1: Whilst watching T.V, in the evening they all seem to flood in towards the lights of the screen and bulbs hanging above, this is freaking annoying for the fact I have a very keen sense of hearing meaning I will no doubt hear a water drop 10 feet away or hear my neighbours turn their own T.Vs on. All I hear are these Ladybird's wings fluttering and the hard out shell (Wing protectors) crashing against the lamp shade, thunderously thudding on the screen and then they have the cheek to impair my vision more, by dancing around (It seems they are mocking the fuck out off my life). 

2: I've just woken up and walk my way to the toilet (We've all been there), or I am just walking around the house looking for something, getting on with the little chores I have (I leave them all to the partner, fuck stressing over cleaning and shit, I cook that's enough I fill your belly), and....... A Ladybird decided to swoop in your sight aiming what it seem for one of your eyes, or only to aggravate you by homing on your massive head (To them it looks) and swooping upwards then making the mad cray circles before coming in for the next attack. Now when you've just woken up and you have not got you full vision or just plain not expecting it ~(Cause you shouldn't really have to) You end up busting your  big toe on some shape corner tryna be all Neo like tryna dodge them Matrix (Ladybird) bullets, or worst yet you blood pressure rises when you role up that magazine you haven't read for days and look up, get your aim all good (You think any way) and the fucker comes at you so fast, so unexpected and your heart does that extreme pumping that would be dangerous for any one with a pacemaker.
Even Cheatara is on the little critters

Now I only have two big reason why Ladybirds really need to get up and go, but I have more reason why they should stay. Yes I dislike them. Now although I haven't got any pictures as yet (And thank the God above cause I could be breaking some wildlife law), But I like to wear Ladybirds as that extra Marbie like alternative Fashion. Ladybirds look great as earrings, as they all have their own markings like fingerprints, Ladybirds come in different sizes  O O O, I've also been know to wear them as neck Jewelery, arm jewelery, as hair tie back (hair gelled down first the Ladybird carefully placed), So yeah Homosapiens, I be getting my own back on these so called Lady-like Birds.

If your ever Planning on getting rid of LadyBirds

  1. If there are a few Ladybirds, you can just pick them up and throw them out the window (Don't be a pussy about things like these they don't bite)
  2. Seal all cracks and crevices in your home, remember they are small and can find their way in in they have to (Want to more like) Use foam moulding or go to you local DIY shop for more professional advise.
  3. Use your Vacuum cleaner, my friend Jubilee does this all the time. She has the same problem.
The Evil ways That Kill them.........
  • Spray lemon scented cleaner on them, this will most likely kill them.
  • Spray all purpose spray cleaner on the Ladybird/s. (A lot of spraying huh)
  • My Favourite method (And a bit sadistic) Put them in a shoot glass (This one comes in 3) Then place water in it and put in the freezer, in the shoot glass again and put and shoot glass over/mid-inside them other and starve it to death, do the two shoot glass method and place on you central heating (They try to escape and that's how I get my jewels when i need them)
This Mornings findings before my bath.

Ladybird facts

Ladybird larvae have a spiky, segmented body with powerful jaws and a ferocious appetite for aphids no wonder that they are often referred to as ‘insect alligators’. Take care not to harm them. The more that survive then the better will be your natural defence against pests (This is assuming you have a maintained garden)

ladybird larva

Life Cycle
Starting as a tiny, shiny, yellow egg, laid in a cluster on a leaf, they become this leaf eater on your left then the fuckers that so annoy me.

How Many Spots
Of the 42 different species of ladybird in the UK the most common is the seven-spot ladybird. This bright red ladybird has seven spots and is thought to have inspired the name ladybird: “Lady” referring to the Virgin Mary (Our lady)(Not my Lady) who in early paintings is seen wearing a red cloak; the seven spots are symbolic of the seven joys and seven sorrows of Mary... Where this may be true in different parts of the country i sure do see the Black, two red spotted kind more often as do I the yellow and the orange  species. 


And you know what else about these little cunts (Excuse me), they are invading my home in all seasons, Winter through to Summer. So if you do see your dear Rogue "Marbie" Scott all bruised up and banged up toes on the beach somewhere, I beg of you not to assume domestic violence from the get go, assume the Ladybird fuckers that have plauged my life for the last two years.

So Hows your Easter Break going Dudes and Dudettes? Hope all is well. I'm enjoying the sun with my family, with No Ladybirds insight (for now).

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